New Chapter in cookbook on Safety.

I had a friend point out that any cookbook for a totally inexperienced cook really needs a chapter on safety. I totally agree.

Chapter 4 – Safety.

Dry goods like flour or rice will last indefinitely if sealed in airtight containers to keep out pests. Some insects however are so aggressive they will chew through a thin plastic bag to get to beans or nuts or flour they can smell. Be aware even the cleanest super market or fruit market will be a potential source of all sorts of pests. I’ve brought broccoli at the farmers market that was full of green caterpillars. Once we bought a bag of peanuts in the shell full of moths that took forever to run down the last. Fruit flies inhabit many banana bunches.

Canned goods will last well past the use by date but the taste and appearance, as well as the nutritional value fall off with time. Things like spaghetti sauce in glass jars lasts much better.

If any container is leaking or bulged it is lethal. Toss it.

Some foods are their own source of spoilage. Chicken and other birds often carry Salmonella germs, as do eggs. Pork is just as much a source of parasites today as in earlier times. Government inspection is for TB nor for parasites. All these things need to be cooked thoroughly all the way through. If you like your eggs with the yolks liquid you will have to accept the risk they will occasionally make you ill. If you are very old or feeding it to young children, or anyone with a compromised immune system it is simply not worth the risk. It can be lethal.

The commonest route for food poisoning is not direct spoilage, but cross contamination from a chicken or raw eggs or such left on a hand that grabs a bowl or spoon or is leaked on a countertop and not wiped up. Pretend you are prepping for surgery and you will be safe. Paper towels may seem a waste of money but they eliminate one vector of spoilage.

Any meat that is ground spoils much quicker than a whole piece. The bacteria from the air is incorporated into it in grinding instead of just working from the surface. The same with thin sliced lunch meats that have so much area exposed.

Any hamburger with a pink or red center has some risk. I suggest if you cook them that way know that your store ground the meat fresh the day you bought it. There is still risk if they don’t clean their grinder perfectly. It is impossible to remove all risk in life. But you will have to decide the risk/benefit level that works for you.

Fish and shellfish are notorious for hazard. Trust your nose. If it has an ammonia sharpness to it don’t buy it or use it.

Fresh mushrooms rarely last more than a day before they deteriorate.

Meat dishes and dishes with sauce on them need to be put in the refrigerator as quickly as possible after everyone is served. Some kinds of bacteria will grow even in a refrigerator. If anything has a slimy coating that is likely a bacterial plaque. Toss it. I will cut a moldy spot off a block of cheese or a bad spot from an apple. But if you have any serious doubt about the safety of food don’t take risks with your health. If it smells ‘funny’ or tastes ‘off’ or vinegary toss it.

Dairy products that are labeled ultrapastuerized last much longer than conventionally pasteurized. Some people don’t like the slight ‘cooked’ flavor but they are a better value if you have a hard time using a container before it goes sour.

Most fruit will ripen and go bad faster if it is all kept together or bagged. They emit ethylene gas which if concentrated speeds the ripening process.

Potatoes last much longer if kept slightly cool and dry and in the dark. Light makes them sprout and go soft and they will turn green and develop a bitter chemical which will give you a stomach ache if you eat them. It helps to examine the whole bag when you buy them and remove any with bad spots or cuts to use first. I can remember my grandmother wrapping each potato in a sheet of newspaper to make them last longer. I’m not sure how much longer we will have newspapers to use for things like that. It may soon read like an old cookbook suggesting you keep things in the root cellar or spring house.

If you are given a gift of any low acid food like green beans that have been home canned I suggest you boil them for fifteen minutes as this will destroy any botulism toxin. High acid tomatoes and most jams and preserves are pretty safe. I have to know a canner well to trust them.

A lot of ‘free’ containers food comes in are well worth saving to use for storing other items.

Anything like potatoes or mushrooms that you feel you won’t use before they go bad can be cooked and held in the frig’ longer in that condition. Diced boiled potatoes for example can be used in soup or stew or to make breakfast fried potatoes. They’ll last a week sometimes in the refrigerator.

Chapters 3 and 4 of cookbook

Chapter 3 – All three meals? What to make.

Restaurant owners know that people have price resistance to certain meals. Very few people will pay the same for breakfast as for supper. Lunch items may be exactly the same as what is offered for supper, but they are usually smaller portions and a smaller price.

Breakfast may be the cheapest meal to make but often you have the least time to cook if you work at a set time.

Supper is the biggest money saver to make yourself and usually people have more time to make it also. If you only cook once a day supper is usually the best meal to cook.

Lunch presents unique problems because those of us who work on a clock don’t commonly have time to go home – cook – eat – and return to work. Some of us work construction or delivery away from a building where we have the use of a refrigerator and microwave that have become so common in the break rooms and lunch rooms of most companies.

I’ll suggest customary menus, but really, there is nothing but social conditioning and custom preventing you from having a cheeseburger for breakfast or ham and eggs for supper.

Those conditions will color my suggestions and recipes.

Chapter 4 – Breakfast!

I’ll assume most mornings you have to get ready and go to work. You have neither time nor energy for fancy dishes that make a big mess you’ll have to deal with when you get home.

Oatmeal – Boring? Slimy? Doesn’t have to be. For one thing buy steel cut oats instead of rolled oats. It has a much better texture and feel to the tooth.

For interest, variety and nutrition add:

Nuts, walnuts, pecans, slivered almonds, peanuts, peanut butter or sunflower seeds.

Fruit, diced apples, sliced banana, blueberries, strawberries, canned fruit, and raisins.

Oils, butter, margarine, any cooking oils, even leftover bacon fat.

Spices, cinnamon, ginger, allspice, salt.

Sweeteners, honey, brown sugar, maple syrup, sorghum syrup, molasses, even, sugar!

Don’t be shy to add several.

First method. Conventional cooking of steel cut oats is straightforward. Put the dry oats in a pan and add twice the volume of water. Bring it to a boil and reduce the heat to a simmer and cover. I recommend adding any oils at the start. Try a cup of oats as a starting point for a serving.

I think you all know boiling is when steam bubbles form. However simmer is when just enough heat is used to keep the water at or near the boiling point. You may or may not see occasional steam bubbles, but there will be definite roiling motions. To some degree foods will self-stir at this heat or at worst only need an occasional stir to keep from burning or sticking. Stoves vary a lot in how much heat they produce. You simply have to experiment to find out where to set the knob for an electric stove or what the flame should look like on a gas stove to get a simmer. A good starting point is down in the low range or a flame just one step above the danger of flickering out. If you can’t remember what the setting was make a notebook for recording your cooking skills, or take notes on your phone or tablet. You can even put a little wedge of tape by the knob to retain the information. If you go to a bigger pot you will likely need more heat.

Something you should know about boiling and cooking. Once you get water to a boil it will not get any hotter if you turn up the heat and boil it faster. It simply turns the water into steam faster and wastes fuel or power. Honest. Even if your granny told you different.

If you want to dump fruit or nuts in now depends on what you like. They will be softer cooked. You may prefer that for say, raisins. Blueberries however will turn the whole batch blue and pretty much break down. Stirred in at the end they stay whole. It depends on what you like.

A pan of oatmeal takes about 40 minutes to cook enough to be ready at a simmer. A little bit more if you live someplace high like Denver CO. Water boils at a lower temperature the higher you are because the air pressure is lower.

It doesn’t take much experience before you can put your oatmeal on to cook and you can go off and shower, dress, etc, and come back it should be done. You want to check on it a few times when you are new to this to see that it is not sticking or burning from too much heat – or not staying hot enough to get cooked. If you have non-work days they are good to try new things. Don’t worry – you will get skilled at setting the heat very quickly. If you like you oatmeal thicker reduce the water. But be aware it will stick easier and may need more stirring. If you like it wetter, obviously use more water.

I’d suggest as a general rule you do not salt anything while it is cooking. The salt is absorbed into the food and you don’t really taste it. If you add it right at the table it is more effective.

What if you don’t hang around fussing and primping in the morning long enough to cook?

Second method. Prepare the oats the night before. Bring your water and oats to a boil. Pour the boiling mix in a wide mouthed thermos bottle. It is best to rinse the bottle out with hot water just before pouring the boiling mix in it so the mass of the thermos itself doesn’t cool it down. A big funnel may help you if you don’t have a steady hand. (I bought mine in the automotive section of our big box store) Cap it and in the morning it will be cooked to eat or to take along. (don’t forget a spoon – a long handled tea-spoon if you have to eat it right out of the thermos)

A hint. Clean-up delayed is clean-up made needlessly difficult. A nonstick pan cleans out with a swish of the rag unless you let it sit and dry all day. A thermos is much easier to clean later if after eating you run some hot water in it – cap it – and shake it a bit to rinse it out.

Scrambled Eggs /Omelets – Better than the corner diner.

If you get eggs at a restaurant they usually give you two. A ‘Lumberjack Special’ or other cute name for their big breakfast may give you three. They want to fill you up on potatoes and bread. Protein keeps you filled up clear to lunch time and doesn’t make you as fat. I often have four or five eggs in the morning and little bread or starchy fillers. I’d rather take my carbohydrates as a bowl of fruit or a glass of juice with other nutrition besides calories.

Eggs have a delicate flavor. Some of the premium eggs from chickens fed a special diet have even stronger flavor. If you add items with subtle flavor they can compliment that flavor. Or you can add strong flavors that completely change the dish. Some of the things you can add to scrambled eggs are:

Meat, bacon bits, crumbled sausage, any diced leftover meats.

Cheese, shredded cheese is much easier, and grated dry cheese works too.

Vegetables, almost anything diced fine and in moderation, spinach, mushrooms, onions.

Sauces, I love a dash of A-1® steak sauce, or a couple spoons full of salsa.

Starches, fried potatoes, diced or sliced corn tortillas fried a bit.

For scrambled you want to limit the add-ons to a tablespoon or so of each. They can take over a dish and ruin the texture.

You want to add butter, cooking oil or fat to the pan and let it warm a bit before you add the eggs. You can break and add the eggs directly to the pan if you want. The whites and yolks will not mix completely. Or you can break them in a bowl and beat them until they are a more uniform color. If you add a small amount of water or milk – a teaspoon for each egg – they will be fluffier.

You want your burner set to a medium or higher heat. If it is too hot you will see the eggs start to brown even if you are constantly scrambling them with the spatula. To me that reduces the subtle flavor and toughens them. You want to stay with eggs and actively move them. When there is no more liquid stop. If you walk away to do something you may get an omelet – one solid mass – even if that was not your intention.

Omelets are perfectly fine. But a proper omelet has the extra ingredients put on top of a solid mass of cooked egg and then it is folded over to make a pocket. Most folks go with a three egg omelet. You can start out scrambling the eggs to make an omelet, but stop while there is plenty of fluid remaining to bind the pieces. Add your extra ingredients – put a lid on the pan – and turn the heat down to medium or a bit lower. Allow the omelet to cook for another three or four minutes and when you take the lid off the cheese will be melted and the added items hot and it will be ready to folded over.

Omelets can work with more and heavier ingredients than a scramble. An omelet can be a massive amount of ingredients in a thin egg shell. If you want to be fancier some gravy poured over it is tasty and very filling.

Got to run? Roll your scramble or omelet up in a flour tortilla and you have a breakfast burrito.

Breakfast Meats – Pork is cheap but you get what you pay for. People like their breakfast meat but there is no way to cook it quickly. If you have time in the evening or weekend you can cook breakfast meat and keep it refrigerated to heat up in the morning. There are precooked portions in the market. Some fairly good, some awful.

Sausage. Cheap sausage has too much fat, fries up to nothing and makes a greasy mess all around the pan. If it is too pale white it doesn’t have enough lean meat in it. Plain ground pork has little flavor so you add spices. The common ones are fennel and hot peppers. Breakfast sausage is one of the few items I have bought worse out of a fancy butcher shop then big company brands in a supermarket like Bob Evens® or Purnell®. Sausage needs a little sugar or vegetable matter to brown. Butcher shop sausage often cooks gray and unappetizing. If the hot or fennel style sausage is too strong a taste for you buy one and a roll of plain and mix them. If you like spicier experiment with adding a little red pepper flakes, chopped garlic, black pepper or cumin. Just mix it by hand. Form into small palm sized patties about as thick as a pencil. Or size it to your English muffin or bagel for breakfast sandwiches. It will shrink a little.

You can start sausage in a hot skillet, but once both sides have been seared a little reduce the heat to medium or less and keep flipping the patties when they cup from the heat. If you are using a non-stick pan you may find the juices brown on the pan and rubbing the patty around picks up the color (and flavor) from the surface. If you buy sausage in links it needs to be rolled around and browned all over. You just can’t hurry cooking it.

Bacon. Most grocery store bacon has water added. This has no value except to make it look like you are getting more for your money. If you can go to a meat market that has bacon cured without water it tastes better and is faster to cook. All the water comes out and has to be boiled away otherwise. I occasionally get to buy bacon in Amish country. It is completely different.

Long slices of bacon are really difficult to handle and fry. I always cut bacon in short pieces and it are easier to handle, cook and eat. Bacon also is better not to rush. The slices should be separated by hand raw. If you throw them in the pan stuck together it can be hard to break them apart. You may need to turn it several times and sometimes pull pieces out that brown ahead of the others. If you wait until it looks very brown in the pan it will be very crisp and crumbly after it drains and cools. Remove the still slightly translucent pieces to a towel or paper napkins.

The bacon fat left in the pan is worth saving. It will keep in the frig in a sealed jar for a long time. If you are sure it is unhealthy and a horror toss it, but it is easily half of what you paid for when you bought the bacon. It will impart intense flavor in small amounts added to other dishes I’ll show you. A teaspoon is plenty to scramble eggs. Be careful if you do save it. It is much hotter than boiling water and will melt plastic or crack glass. Let it cool a bit before pouring.

Ham. A ham gets cheaper the bigger the piece you buy. For the kind of cooking we are talking about it gets too difficult to buy a big ham, divide it up and freeze portions.

You need to buy a package of diced ham pieces or buy luncheon ham and dice it up. It can be difficult to get a person at the deli counter to cut you slices thicker than the very thin pieces people favor for sandwiches. Persist however, because the paper thin stuff cooks poorly.

Most ham now just like bacon has water added. When you cook it the water comes out and is boiled away. Then when it is gone and the fat starts heating it browns very quickly – or burns if you are inattentive.

It is possible to buy small canned hams that, while not a gourmet delight, can be kept without refrigeration and are a delight to have if the power goes out or you are stuck home sick.

Last Breakfast Item: French Toast (Pain Perdue)

It tastes better with the fancy French name. Pain Perdue means lost bread – stale and otherwise ready to be thrown away. French toast is a good use for stale bread. It works better than fresh because it absorbs the liquid better.

You need eggs beaten together and a little milk or water. You should have an egg for each slice or even an extra. I always add a tablespoon of brown or regular sugar to make it brown nicely. I also like to add a dash of vanilla. My wife likes me to add cinnamon or pumpkin pie spice. You want to put this batter in a shallow bowl or a pie plate for dipping.

Do not just flop each slice of bread briefly in the fluid. Let it soak it up. Punching holes with a fork even if it is reluctant to take it up. Flipping it and moving it to the pan can be challenging when it is soggy. A pie server or spatula helps support it.

You want the skillet at a medium heat. Enough to brown it but not so hot it is burnt by the time the egg batter is cooked in the middle of the slice.

Plain old sandwich bread makes good French Toast. Thick cut bread is even better. Cinnamon Raisin bread is fantastic. Even better we have a cheap outlet that sells cinnamon raisin bread with apple chunks in it. If you have added sugar to the mix you don’t usually need as much syrup. Of course fruit is good on top too. When served as a desert confectioner’s sugar sifted on top is traditional. If you make extra they will store in the frig for a day or two.

A very basic cookbook for people who have zero skills.

This is the first two chapters. Please tell me if I have the tone right. Next I’ll post some actual recipes and meal suggestions.

Nobody Taught Me to Cookbook

Mackey Chandler

Chapter 1 – What we shall accomplish with this book.

Many of my male friends don’t know how to cook. They were unwelcome in the kitchen, or taught it wasn’t their place, or even worse it was women’s work. Sometimes that even implied it was a lesser skill. Your opinion of its importance goes up the hungrier you are.

If you are wealthy you can hire a cook or you can afford to eat out whenever you wish. There are however times no matter how wealthy you are that you don’t want to leave your home to eat. There are times when you are sick or you just don’t want to get dressed and venture forth. There are times you come in late or wake up in the night and even the ultra wealthy rarely have a chef on duty 24 hours unless they live in a full service hotel.

In economic hard times you may not be able to afford restaurant food. Or you may prefer to spend the money on something else, like a sailboat or your dream trip to Mongolia.

Whatever your reason there is no excuse for doing anything poorly. It is unnecessary to suffer badly prepared food. You don’t have to be a professional chef with the ability to prepare delicate sauces and make exotic pastries that take hours of layering and rolling or rising and kneading. Some really good food can be made very simply.

What this book intends to do is give you the basic tools both to feed yourself and know that you can cook for a guest without being embarrassed at what you produce. It has two elements. Some very basic common sense advice about cooking and a limited selection of recipes that look to produce quality foremost yet are not complicated.

Buy it in desperation or for your friend in college or for your teenager when you emancipate them and change the locks. It may also help the newly widowed, divorced or impoverished. It is not meant to teach you exotic fancy dishes such as you see in ‘coffee table’ photo books.

Chapter 2 – The basic equipment needed to cook.

Despite all the ads in women’s magazines and displays at department stores you do not need a separate specialized pan for every dish known to humanity. I have made scrambled eggs in a sauce pan and made soup in a six quart chicken cooker.

You would do well to have a measuring cup set for dry measures and a cup for liquid measure. A large cup with a spout for pouring is handy – say about three cups. If you use metric measures that makes life a little easier as it is just volume.

A cup is a cup. If you pour a cup in a spouted measuring cup and read the level against the line just perfectly,(yes there is a trick to that), then when you pour it in a dry measuring cup it will fill it up exactly. I don’t intend to offer any recipes here that are so fussy it matters if you have measured out a cup or 95/100ths cup. In some cooking it matters. Cakes for example can go terribly wrong if you measure one ingredient off just a bit. If you get to the point you are doing such advanced cooking you will probably want to weigh your ingredients that may settle. Dry measure cups are easier to fill with flour or sugar and draw a knife across the top to get a close enough measure. Fluids are easier to measure in a glass cup with lines to see the level and extra space above to not slosh out and lose some on the way to the bowl or pan.

However fluid ounces may confuse non-cooks because they have nothing to do with the ounces that are fractions of a pound. Just be aware of their existence if you go looking in old cookbooks or your grandma’s recipe files. There are 8 fl. Oz. in a cup.

You can cook a wide range of things with a fry pan, and a sauce pan. Both need lids. Having large and small is handy, but if you don’t have room or money for both obviously you can fry one egg in a twelve inch fry pan, but you can’t scramble six in a tiny four inch pan.

Non-stick is nice. They are getting better steadily too, but I still consider a non-stick pan perishable. I am careful not to use sharp hard spoons or spatulas in mine and wash them by hand, but they still only last a few years. If you buy a cast iron skillet you may very well leave it to your grandchildren.

If you go with non-stick look on the internet sites where they have reviews and see which currently for sale have good reviews.

If you go with cast iron I suggest when you do the initial seasoning you use flax seed oil. It simply works better. If you can’t find it in a bottle buy some gel caps and cut them open. If you ever need to strip the seasoning off to start over all the soap and water in the world won’t beat a spray can of automotive brake cleaner. Use it outside and don’t get it on your skin or breath it. Heat the pan thoroughly to drive off the solvents before seasoning.

I know lots of people like bare stainless or aluminum cookware. I’d sooner try to change somebody’s religion or political affiliation than tell them their Wonder-Ware Waterless stuff is the pits. It works but I find it tends to have things stick or burn much more.

You may wish to have one large pot, bigger than a sauce pan for soups and stews if you cook for a group or cook ahead for several meals. If you intend to cook pasta you need a cheap colander which lets you drain the pasta out of the boiling water. They make little strainers you can hold on the lip of the pot – but they always looked like an invitation to a burn ward to me. The colander is also handy working in a sink to rinse berries and vegetables. It is better to have a pot sized to your larger burner on your stove and deep rather than wide. A deep stock type pot can also be used for deep frying small portions. Filled no more than a third with oil it won’t froth over when fresh items are lowered (never tossed) in.

I also keep a cheap ribbed grill pan I found at Wal-Mart for searing lines in steaks or chicken breasts. It is anodized aluminum and I never scrub it with anything to expose the bare metal, just a plastic brush after a good soaking. It is stained and has carbon residue, and is warped from using on high and nasty looking but it still works fine.

You obviously need something to work with in the pan or skillet. You need a spatula for flipping solid things over, a spoon for mixing and stirring, and a slotted spoon for removing solids from liquid.

A pair of tongs are very handy and inexpensive. They can be used to handle odd shaped things like chicken wings that are hard to get under and balance on a spatula. When you go to flip a wing over while broiling them and propel one off into the rear corner of a hot oven you’ll appreciate tongs that grab hold. They are also useful for grabbing things in a deep pot where it is hard to get under them like a crab or dumplings.

With those few items you can do a great deal. The only other item I’d suggest considering as basic for a new cook is a crock-pot or slow cooker. They come anywhere from tiny pint size to huge tubs suitable for cooking for a gathering. Buy according to how many you will be serving, usually from a quart to six quarts, figuring a quart as a large serving. Most working men can eat a quart of chili or stew as the big meal of the day. A woman or office worker may have a third of that. Of course leftovers are sometimes desirable. They avoid cooking twice.

A microwave is useful. They have become somewhat expected in most kitchens. But they take up a lot of room and it basically is a time saver to quickly reheat for most cooks.

I’m not going to go into coffee pots, brewers and teapots. That is worthy of a book of its own. You can make coffee in a sauce pan if you need to. Boil water remove the heat and dump the coffee in. You’ll need to filter the grounds out. Coffee filter papers are cheap. That will require a strainer to hold which is handy for other things.

You will want a couple knives and a cutting board. Don’t get a wooden cutting board. They are never entirely clean and they split and stain. Get a cheap plastic one. The clear ones look good in the store. That doesn’t last long.

If you don’t have the money buy a cheap knife. It will make everything harder, but you can save and buy a good one later. Unless you luck out in the second hand shop a good knife is going to be expensive. The sort they have in big box stores and department stores are rarely of good steel. A knife with a hollow ground face is almost always inferior. You want a thin, flat sided knife that tapers all the way from the back to the cutting edge. It should have carbon in the steel even if it is stainless. It should feel good to your hand and you should be able to get the blade against the cutting board without hitting your knuckles on the board. A really sharp knife makes everything easier. You do need to respect it and cut away from yourself. You don’t throw it in a silverware drawer waiting to cut you unseen.

You can get into all sorts of exotic sharpening systems. But the sharpeners with flat steel washers you draw a knife through are only good for the cheap soft knives. Grinding slots in can openers and such are gimmicks to sell can openers. A steel is basically a file that has teeth running long ways. They rust and they wear out quickly. Get a diamond covered rod shaped like a steel. They work.

A medium sized knife , say eight inches long, will do everything if need be. It can be used for slicing meat and dicing vegetables. It is a little too big to peel potatoes or apples, but it can be done. If you can’t afford a paring knife you can buy a potato peeler with a floating blade for about two dollars. They are handy to peel carrots and other things too. A paring knife is nice for small work. A bigger chef’s knife may be neat looking in the store, and great for slicing a head of lettuce or cabbage and it will stand in for a bread knife, but most of the time you don’t really need it. And if it is quality that big of a knife will likely be a day’s wages.

As for dishes and silverware and such I only have brief advice. If you plan to use dishes in the microwave fancy metal trim will not work. The microwave generates electric currents in such trim and they arc, heat up enough to damage the china, and turn dull and black.

Cheap stoneware is fine, but it is heavy, chips easy and you will often find it impossible to buy extra pieces when you break a piece. Fiestaware is an exception to that.

China sets are lighter, may be priced low in a set but not be replaceable and break easier. Any China that has open stock will be expensive.

Ceramic glass like Corelle® is very hard to break, moderate in price and if you buy the plain it is easy to get replacement pieces and extras in lots of sizes.

Almost everybody uses stainless utensils. Remember that a plain smooth design is easier to wash than deeply embossed fancy designs.

If you can afford real silver I’m jealous. Growing up I noticed that our upper middle class relatives had all matching silverware. Our really poor relations had a hodgepodge of all sorts of styles and brands and put them on the table mixed. Sometimes the dishes too.

A good place to get both stainless and plain dishes at a reasonable cost is a restaurant supply company. Specialty stores are always more expensive.

It is possible to get cheap small appliances such as self-heating skillets, coffee makers, slow cookers and even microwaves and bread makers at thrift stores and personal sales.

Even if you do not have a real kitchen in a room, a dorm or efficiency apartment you can do quite well with a two burner adjustable electric hot pad and plug in appliances.

A crock-pot is also easy to use without a huge work area. A small toaster oven may be as useful as a microwave once you have skills, but can be challenging to clean.

Pots and dishes can be washed in a plastic tub in your bathroom if you don’t have a sink. However don’t think you can cook in a hotel room or dorm and hide the fact. If you leave a crock-pot running on low all day with a small roast and carrots and potatoes everyone on at least the same floor of your building will be aware somebody is cooking. It’s about as likely you can hide it as an affection for cigars or your pet skunk.

Chapter 5 of “The Middle of Nowhere”

Chapter 5

April started researching what was available to study economics. She’d find a formal class, but needed to know enough to even pick one. Jeff would expect her to do much more than a superficial look at the subject, and if she was going to be a bank owner she really should have a grasp of the matter. She hadn’t been thinking of all that when she first had the idea they should grab rights to have a bank while the window of opportunity was open on Home.

The array of books available was overwhelming. April usually didn’t approve of popularized guides, but saw a book entitled “Economic Jargon and Surviving Economics 101” That got bought along with what were said to be classics, “The Wealth of Nations”, and “The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money”. She had to admit they looked a little dry.

Eddie called her up and wanted to talk. He assured her it was too long and complicated to cover over dinner. She set aside tomorrow afternoon with some trepidation. He didn’t sound upset with her, but she still had doubts about her trip, and whether it was as successful as others seemed to think.

Gunny was still watching recordings of Home Assemblies. April set a timer and allowed an hour to try to absorb economic jargon, and then she’d join her Japanese class. She hadn’t been in the active class so long they probably forgot who she was.

When the timer went off she was ready to move on. She had a hundred new words spinning in her head. Words she was used to using having new meanings were more difficult than entirely new ones. The language of economics seemed a bit archaic.

April knew Gunny would take tea, so she went ahead and made it to move around after sitting so long. They didn’t have active furniture that moved around under you like some offices used. It might be more productive, but April agreed with her Dad that you need a mental break too.

Gunny got up and stretched, and went off, probably to use the restroom. April took a slight break to look at the stocks. Nothing big was happening or the screen would have alerted her by changing line colors. But she examined trends and then looked at the news.

She had almost two hundred key words and phrases for her bots to gather. That was going to go up when she added economic terms. There were a number of stories about Home, commercial matters mostly. Contracts let and a couple stories about the new ring being built. Jeff’s name came up a few times and the Rock was mentioned.

She’d skimmed over half when she came to a story gathered by the key word Santos, the name of the Earth family with who she’d been staying.

América del Sur Noticias Netos: Buenos Aires, (auto translated) – Search and rescue services report no sign of the American pleasure vessel Tobbiko registered to Tetsuo Santos. A rubber dinghy with the ship’s name and various articles of clothing and food containers washed up on Horn Island shore north of the Drake passage. Chilean air assets aided in the search out of Puerto Williams. The vessel is assumed lost in the dangerous seas close to the Antarctic Circle.

“Gunny, look at this!” He got up and came over. She was too shocked to send it to his screen. She thought while he read it. When he finished and looked at her he was surprised she wasn’t upset anymore.

“It’s bullshit,” she said with absolute conviction.

“You think so?”

“Mama-san told me the Tobbiko was much stronger than boats made just thirty years ago. She said it could be pushed under by a rogue wave that would crush and demast those sort of boats and it would just bob back up. No way they got broke up and sank in the easiest season to make the passage. Papa-san wasn’t the sort to take her into something he didn’t have the skill to do.”

Gunny pursed his lips and considered it. “If this were true you’d have heard from Adzusa by now. Until we hear something from her I don’t believe it either. He just decided to disappear himself lock stock and barrel. I bet some of the intelligence community are skeptical too.”

“I’m not going to call the lieutenants in Maine. In some form Papa-san will make his pickup or he’d have arranged to let me know.”

“You going to say anything to Adzusa?”

“No. No condolences tells her I don’t believe it. Saying anything else is a security risk. If it was true she’ll contact us personally with details.”

“I agree. I bet this indicates he decided to leave Earth. He’s abandoning his contacts and networks if he’s going to fake his own death.”

“Wouldn’t they continue to have value?”

“Their value declines with time,” Gunny explained. “Their value hinges on people never being entirely sure he is fully retired. If he’s still seen as a potential player he has leverage. If he left Earth and took up permanent residence off planet I think that would end most of his influence anyway. Home just isn’t big enough or old enough to have an influence in the intelligence world. Maybe someday,” he allowed.

April thought about it. “I’m going to just keep my mouth shut. I’ve got to log on my Japanese class or miss it again. Want to go get some supper after that?

“Yes, but let me know when it’s near. I want to shower and change first.”

* * *

“Get ready if you still want to go,” April said much later. “We’re about done here and the instructor is giving us his usual little summation and pep talk.”

Gunny grunted a response and disappeared to his room.

Her time with the Santos had polished her Japanese. The household help, not her hosts, had taken the time to couch her by explaining the common daily speech about laundry and meals and shopping trips. They had even patiently repeated phrases in both English and Japanese when she was completely out of her depth.

The instructor and even a few fellow students had expected her to be rusty after an absence, but instead she had improved her accent and vocabulary. Quite a bit of it had to do with fishing and sail boat handling, but those terms can be used nicely to build analogy and metaphor.

“Assuming my paperwork comes through clean and complete, I believe I’ll set things in motion to assume Home citizenship and pay the severance taxes to end my North American citizenship,” Gunny said.

“How much do they ding you to leave now? Most folks who come up here plan it ahead and just abscond.”

“It will run about three-hundred-thousand over my regular taxes by the time I am done. I figure about a third of what I’ll get for my house if that isn’t screwed up. I put enough in my account to cover my utilities and the summer taxes when they come due. We’ll see if they get applied or if somebody snatches them. At least the account accepted the deposit.”

“If they don’t, want me to drop a rod on it so they can’t make anything from stealing it?”

“Let me see what else I can do before you bombard North America for me,” Gunny asked. “I suspect that might work against me being able to freely visit the continent too. That was one of my goals in leaving quietly and politely.”

“Yeah, I’m not sure when I’ll feel free to visit Hawaii again.”

“You are young. Smart to keep it open if you can. You may really want to go down in fifty years from now.

“Or I might not even be in the system in fifty years.”

Gunny looked at her funny. “What system?”

“Why, the Solar System,” she said, like it was obvious.

“You feel confident that is a possibility?”

“Jeff is working on it.”

“Okay.”

The cafeteria was past peak for supper, starting to empty out. April got fish and chips and a side salad with chilled shrimp and a lemonade. Gunny got weinersnitzle with potato pancakes and sauerkraut with apples.

April went to the far wall away from the coffee where everybody congregated. She greeted several people passing through, but nobody stopped her. She sat looking back as always because she enjoyed the people watching.

Margaret from Security was sitting against the other wall right by the entry. Usually nobody sat there unless it was full because it was as far from the line and coffee as you could get. But she had a pad open and some hard copy on the table like she was working. Which she confirmed even before April unloaded her tray. A message appeared in her spex that she was working and couldn’t visit, so April just replied ‘OK’ in text with a flick and blink of her eyeballs since she had the tray in both hands.

There was Mr. Muños, as usual the center of a deep discussion, and Ed Page who was a multi-tasker with an actual computer open, not just a pad. He’d eat breakfast and watch the news and manage his stocks while listening to the Muños group and not miss any of it. There was a new guy by the coffee she didn’t know, but he had eyes only for the girl with him.

Ben Patsitsas the author came in with his usual scarf around his neck. On his heels was a new guy, Oriental, but big. He looked more like he belonged in the other cafeteria with the fit, young vacuum rats and beam dogs.

She had her stuff all off the tray, so Gunny pulled it over and set his tray inside hers and sat down beside her, eating off the tray. He hadn’t done that last night.

It finally slowed down enough there was nobody in the food line waiting and Ruby came out with a rag to tidy up the coffee area.

April stabbed a few pieces of salad and a shrimp on her fork when Gunny stood back up. What she didn’t expect was his big hand reaching in past her arm to tip her over backwards chair and all. She wasn’t even half way to the floor before there was a >BOOMBOOMBOOM<.

Her ears were ringing and she looked up laying on her back and saw Gunny drop the hammer on his new pistol and slide it back in his holster before he reached a hand down to help her up. She had to switch her fork to the other hand to accept his help. Once she was up he reached back and sat her chair upright and took off for the commotion over by the coffee machines without a word of explanation.

April followed him wondering what was going on.

The Oriental fellow who came in last was sprawled on the floor. He was a gory mess in the middle of his chest and weirdly his hair and the shoulder of his shirt were all wet but steaming. There was the handle of a kitchen knife sticking out of his lower back. Just then Jon rushed in with McAlpine. When he saw the body he breathed a visible deep sigh of relief and holstered his weapon. He pulled a chair up at the next table and made a call on his pad while Margaret hovered over him and Gunny leaned in and said a few quiet words. Then Gunny quietly spoke to Ruby, and she laughed and gave him a play poke.

Gunny came back to her and put a big hand on her shoulder. “Let’s go sit back where we were, and Jon will come tell you what’s happening when he gets it sorted out.”

“I can’t eat now,” April protested.

“Neither can I,” Gunny agreed. “Maybe after the adrenaline high wears off a bit. I need to just sit a minute. I’m kind of shaky.”

“Oh, Okay.” April was more willing to accommodate his need to sit than her own. She watched Jon finish talking to Margaret and the medical crew showed up and bagged up the dead guy. Jon conducted brief separate interviews with Ruby and Mr. Page and somebody showed up from maintenance and was cleaning the floor and all the tables and chairs on that side of the room.

“What did you say to Ruby?” April asked. She thought it bizarre she’d laughed.

“I told her she scared the crap outta me running up directly behind my target like that.”

“She thought that was funny?”

“She suggested the Chinese fellow was so wide I couldn’t have missed him with a brick.”

Most of the crowd there left and the few who stayed moved over where Margaret had been sitting. The cleaning guy sprayed and wiped Mr. Page’s computer and helped him move it. Ruby came out and gathered all the trays and plates wearing gloves, and took them to the back.

The next shift cook came in and after a brief word and a hug Ruby headed out the door, obviously done for the day. The new cook took both carafes of coffee away and cycled the pot.

When Jon was through with everyone else he took Gunny over two tables away and had a conversation in low tones. She caught a couple words, but her ears were still ringing a little.

Finally Jon came to her last, and Gunny took a seat on the other side of her.

“Take this,” Jon said putting a capsule by her glass. “It will keep you from having any permanent hearing damage from the gun fire. Your ears are probably ringing aren’t they?”

“Yeah, a little.” Gunny had just swallowed one too, and she chugged her’s with some of the lemonade. It was good and she took a couple more swallows of it before putting it down. She didn’t tell him she’d taken them before down on Earth.

“Tell me what happened since you walked in the door of the cafeteria today,” Jon asked.

April related everything she could remember. Even who she observed was here and the way Gunny ate off his tray instead of removing everything to the table. Then how she’d been shoved back and she’d had to curl forward to avoid banging her head, and what she’d observed when she followed Gunny to the other side of the room.

Jon just nodded a few times, and stayed attentive, letting her go at her own pace.

“The fellow who was killed waited until you looked down at your food, and then stood, drawing a pistol as he stood. He was looking right at you and it’s pretty obvious he’d been warned how fast you are and was waiting to move on you until you had your attention elsewhere. He really should have been patient and waited for both you and Gunny to be looking down. Not that it would have saved him, but I would have thought it was obvious Gunny is a guard. He discounted him entirely too much.”

“Why wouldn’t that have saved him?” April asked.

“Watch the security video,” Jon invited, and sat his pad open to her and played the captured scene in slow motion.

The man sat his tray down and seated himself, but he didn’t scoot his chair in. He looked to the right where Mr. Page was looking at his computer screen. There was an empty chair between them and he was the closest of the group with Mr. Muños. He glanced to the left but there was nobody close, just Margaret clear across four rows of tables against the far wall.

Page’s eyes flicked to the left when the man looked away, but his fingers never hesitated continuing to click, click, click away at the entry he was making.

Ruby was walking slowly, sliding a rag along the edge of the counter, but she was watching the new guy from behind and frowning.

When the man started to stand back up he already had his hand on his gun on his left side worn cross draw. He stood too abruptly, telegraphing something wasn’t normal. Ruby shoved off the counter hard with her right hand. The rag went flying and revealed she had a twenty centimeter chef’s knife clutched in her hand under the rag. It was three long steps to the man.

Mr. Page threw the mug of coffee in his left hand with no discernible hesitation at all. He couldn’t have seen the gun yet, just the motion that shouted it was being drawn.

The man was still hunched over slightly, gun just a little higher than the table edge when Gunny’s first round hit him right in the breast bone. The coffee mug hit the side of his face just about when the second round hit him a couple centimeters from the first.

By the time the coffee was a explosion of drops splashing off his face there was a violet aura of electric discharges arching through them and all around the man’s head. Margaret had discharged her Air-Taser dead on the man’s head, and it looked like she had the power level set lethally high.

The man spasmed from the Taser, gun hand jerking up past the point he’d have thrust it forward, hand opening in a claw. The gun would continue climbing and sailed over the group talking to Muños to bounce off the next table onto the floor.

His back arched from the electrical jolt, helped by the impact of a third slug from Gunny. He was bent the other way now, backward. Ruby slammed into him from behind with her left shoulder, not taking time to slow down. Her right hand slammed the blade into his back to the hilt right where a kidney would be.

Ed Page was pushing himself up off the table, obviously intending to offer further violence than the coffee mug. But by the time Ed was fully vertical the man was going down the other way, rolling off the edge of the table from Ruby impacting him from behind. Ruby yanked sideways on the knife handle, twisting it in the fellow, and it was wrenched out of her hand as he went down crooked, falling on his side.

Ed Page stopped his motion, needing a step to stop his forward momentum, and it was all over except for a vicious kick Ruby gave the fellow after he sprawled on the floor.

“Poor son of a bitch had no idea what hit him,” Jon explained unnecessarily.

“Who would want to hurt me bad enough to send somebody all the way up here?” April asked, shocked.

“Well, the remnants of the Patriot Party, any of the genetic purity nuts, maybe even rogue elements of the USNA government or military all come to mind,” Jon guessed, “but I’m guessing just from his appearance that it is the Chinese who are still peeved with you, this time.”

“Do you think Jeff or Heather might be targeted?” she suddenly worried.

“I called then and cautioned them on the way over here,” Jon assured her.

April looked at Gunny, thinking how she’d told her mother she didn’t really need him here. She dug in her pocket and got the platinum coin she’d got from Jeff. “Performance bonus,” she told him and flipped the bright thing to him. He snatched it out of the air, looking pleased.